The dreams unfulfilled!

'Sometimes a very little thing makes you feel huge and crazy when it is from somebody who means a lot to you.’  

 

"Ting." My messenger rang.

I was scribbling some stuff in my phone memo then. I ignored the message.

"Ting." Another ring! 

So, I clicked 'save' on the memo and closed it to see the message. 

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"What?" I couldn't believe my eyes to see his name on my phone screen. I blinked my eyes twice, or maybe thrice to confirm that I am seeing it right and that my mind isn't manipulating because lately I have been thinking of him so much. 

Just the night before, I silently cried for hours thinking about him. I remembered how he proposed me, how we had a good time together, how madly I was in love with him and then how he have ended it shortly for a new girl. I cried for not feeling enough of him  despite we have walked a separate paths since five years ago. 

I once shared with my colleagues of how I still desire for him. She told me if I had my first intimacy with him. That question was like a thunderbolt. Seriously!

"Intimacy?" I almost threw a big sarcastic laugh right on the face of the the only one person who was comforting me. 

"Forget about having intimacy, we didn't even hold our hands." I said. She acknowledged it disgustingly. 

“Then why do you still want to leech on him?” She said. "You have a million reasons to let him go." 

"Yes, I have, a tons of million reasons to forget him." I Unintentionally paused. There was a sudden chill in my heart and the roaring constrictions in my throat. 

I suddenly broke down before her. "Its...uhh..." I was both shamed and embarrassed. "Its hard to heal this wound."

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Sine my colleague was much older than me, I had a faith in her. She advised me to delete all of his contact addresses and never get his update even if it is online. I faithfully listened to her. I deleted his phone number and burnt down my notepad that had his message copied and my feelings for him scribbled. I searched his name online to either block or unfriend him. Before doing that, I decided to scroll down his page for the final time. I read his statuses, comments, activities. And at the end, I found myself smiling. I didn't know why. 

So, the all-time-looser me ended up keeping his online pages as it is. I couldn't block or either unfriend it because just the thought of a day without seeing his updates suffocated me. I, in no way wanted to be in the world away from him. I felt scared at the thought of getting completely disconnected from him. 

However, I swore myself not to let him know that I still feel for him. I swore not to start any conversations with him.

It was a nightmare in the first few days to stay ideally away from the person I loved the most. It was like I was into a drugs and that I was suffering from the fever of finally leaving it. 

However, with much difficulties, I finally managed. I didn't let him know about my longings to  see him, chat with him, talk with him, say him how I miss him and beg him to get back together. Few months went by, the desires for him subsided a bit. Things went quite well since then. 

The frequency of missing him dropped at a reasonable level. I felt good though the emptiness ate some of my otherwise good time. I kept counting the days I could spend without keeping in touch with him. I felt good at each passing days because even a single day was a ‘victory’ for me that indicated I can still survive without him. 

☆☆☆

 

So, with a mixture of emotions running down my nerves, I opened the messenger.

 "Hey." It read.

I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or scream or laugh or just ignore the message. It was his first message in years. He has never started the conversation in the past. I felt a gush of hot  blood running down my veins at the thought of him typing me the message.

 “Oh my, oh my…" I didn't know how I should be reacting and finally when I decided, I was being back to the looser. My heart was with the utmost stupid fear. "What made him send me the message? I hope I didn’t do anything to offend him?”

The stupid me felt scared as if I have committed a crime. 

"I hope everything is fine with him." 

The always-soft-corner of my heart for him took the shape then. I was afraid if something is wrong with him that led him to type me the message. Receiving his message for the first time in years was very unusual and creepy. 

 So, I broke my painful promises of never chatting with him.

 "Hi." I typed back. 

He instantly viewed it.

I waited for the reply back…

Several minutes went by. I didn't get his reply.

At one point, I typed "How have you been?". But I got it erased before clicking the ‘send button.’ 

"I, in no way from now, want him to see me desperate for his love." I reminded myself. I have already learned to keep myself safe even without him. "I have cried, begged, rejected and survived all the love fevers he gave me. So, I am strong now!"

☆☆☆

 

“One, two, three...five...ten...” 

Oh no!

“Hey bitch, stop counting the days and stop waiting for the reply to your stupid ‘hi.’ I again warned my heart. 

☆☆☆

It's been a exactly a three months today after that incident. We just exchanged two hi (s) and nothing more. 

However, you know, sometimes I feel like to say, "C'mon baby, tell me what you gotta say. I will listen to you because you still have a space in my heart, just not in my life." 

I wonder if he will ever hear this part of our less fortunate story. 

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THE END!