Until we meet again

You once asked me if I could stay without thinking of you. I wasn't clear myself at that time. I thought, yes, maybe, I can stay without thinking of you or perhaps even without you though I didn’t tell you this. 

Thinking back, I am realizing how stupid I was at that time to think that there wouldn't be a day I have to pass without you. I was so ignorant to not realize the impermanence of the love we were into. 

Now that the time has come where I have to live without you, I am finally getting the answer. The answer is no. No, I can't stay without thinking of you.

You are in my every thought and prayer. You are in every people I come across and everything I see. It’s insane how all the people I see look just like you but only to turn out they are actually not making me more miserable.  

There is nothing that doesn't remind me of you. You had me captured in everything. I think of you when there are car honks in the street. I think of the time when you used to sneak out from the work and wait for me in the parking. I think of you at the touch of the breeze in my cheeks. That first walk we had by the railings letting those freezing breezes kiss our cheeks. You asked me for my hand but I refused. Had I known that this day will come, I would have to hold your hand first and rub for the heat. 

I think of you when I got nothing to do because with you I was never left ideal. The way you let me be a multi-tasker from a writer to an analyzer, from an advisor to a planner, you kept me engaged for good.

I think of you when going to bed. Your starving stares, the heavy breaths, your dampening skin, and the delicious you. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night longing for you to take me in your embrace like you used to do. But the reality hurts. Sometimes I hate opening my eyes in the morning to face the world in your physical absence. 

I think of you at the sound of the river flow, at the flower bloom, at the coffee stream, at the sunset, at the songs I listen to. I think of you at every word I am jotting down right now. I am thinking about what you are up to at this very hour. It's 9:20 pm and I am thinking if you have had your super or had taken the shower. I am thinking about what might be going on inside your head or what would you do in the next five minutes from now. I am thinking if I am ever crossing in your mind. 

So you see I can't exactly live without thinking of you. But what I can do is I can survive without you. I can survive clinging to your dreams. I can survive wishing for a day to come when I will finally call you mine. Though this very day wouldn't come any faster, I am still not going to get tired. I am going to wait for it to happen. It doesn't matter how long but I am hopeful the day will come one day. I am hopeful because you said we are going to be together day if not in next life. I am hopeful because I believe in you, in your words, and in your next life.

My darling, come visit me in my dream until we meet again.